Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
