at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
what day is it and did you see me today?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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