the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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