I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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