Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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