i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
