Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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