Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
