Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
