Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
