I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
