I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
