She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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