Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
