so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
