When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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