I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
My penis needs a shock collar
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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