I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We are two peas in an std pod
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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