how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
