how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
