Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
