I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
