did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Randomize
