i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
