I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
