i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
