she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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