JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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