the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
