i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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