On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
