can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
