You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
