dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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