i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
