1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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