You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
