Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
my liver is dry heaving
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
