I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
