thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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