Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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