im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
