Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
