the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
