Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
