Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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