Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
