I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
