I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
