Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Randomize
